Ending my critical self-talk wasn’t easy but discovering the doorway to acceptance gave me the prize of a whole new world. There was a steady diet of judgment and criticism growing up. My free-spirited child dodged the critical bullet the best she could; however, the negativity caught up with teenage me. How did this teenager rebel being criticized? I became an award-winning actress. My star role was acting like everything was fine and nothing bothered me. I didn’t even know I was acting until years later. Behind closed doors my negative self-talk went wild with criticism. I was miserable not liking myself, but that was my dirty little secret. My pride stopped me from sharing this with anyone. My experience was never being able to do anything right. I was never enough. I was not smart enough. I was not pretty enough. I could never be thin enough. Nothing made me happy. Constant struggle was what I expected.
I’ll never forget sitting alone in my Washington apartment meditating and begging for a happier life. By age 48 I had several accomplishments that I expected to make me happy. The two biggest goals I reached was my bachelor’s degree in human biology and my doctorate from chiropractic college at age 40. I thought that would have made me feel smart enough. It didn’t. On graduation day I felt such unhappiness and dissatisfaction after receiving my diplomas. They just didn’t seem to be enough for all of my hard work. Education was just one of the many dangling carrots that didn’t bring me happiness.
Right after my 2001 meditative begging moment new people and new opportunities showed up. It’s so magical when that happens. The biggest message I remember is my experiences of the past did not have to repeat themselves. I gave up my need to control. I focused on what was right and not what was wrong. Taking great care of myself was a large piece of my happiness puzzle. Multiple ways to delete my negative life patterns and reset my thoughts started showing up. I started experiencing life in a whole new way. It didn’t happen overnight. It took a strong commitment to consistently cleanup my negative self-talk. It was wonderful experiencing more and more peace and ease with the days to follow. I reprogrammed myself with words of encouragement, gratitude, love and acceptance. I no longer had the need to apologize for me being me. Consciously I chose when to say yes and when to say no. Happiness was there when I quit trying to chase it. It was all about creating a magical space for me to expand more and more into my biggest best me.
Life is beautiful with the door is wide open to acceptance. My life is not over. Lifetime learning continues. I treasure each day to learn about myself and others. The childlike wonder of the child who dodged the critical bullets in the past is fully present. The magic of life is delivering something brand new every day and my arms are wide open to receive it.